Note: this story is revised and the updated story can be found on my portfolio (link)
There once was a husband and wife who lived happily together. After having two baby twin girls, the wife suddenly died in a tragic accident. For years, the man raised the two girls on his own. As time went on the man slowly fell in love with another woman named Beatrice. Although this made the two girls sad that their father was moving on, they knew he was happy which made them content with the situation. As time went on, Beatrice began to show her true character. She only married the man for money, and she treated the girls as if they were nothing. The evil however, was only scratching the surface of what the step-mother was capable of doing. The girls saw all of this, but Beatrice acted noble and affectionate when she was around the father. One evening, the father had to go away on a trip. The girls begged to go with him, but Beatrice insisted that she would take good care of them. Beatrice was waiting for this moment alone with the girls to get rid of them permanently. Beatrice turned out to be not only greedy, but also a witch with powers to turn any human into an animal. She looked at the girls and at once, casted a spell to change them into pigs. The man came home from his journey for work. Beatrice cried to the father, "The girls! They were eaten by wolves. I did everything I could to save them, but they died." The father's whole world was consumed by his daughters. They were his everything, and he felt as if he could not function any longer. Months passed, and the man lived in depression while Beatrice had affairs and stole money. He was finally able to eat again, and chose the fattest pigs to slaughter for dinner. However, when he had the axe swung back, he saw something in the pig's eyes— something warm and familiar. he felt a spirit of the girls and broke down. Tears poured from his eyes onto the pigs. At once, the pigs changed back into flesh, and the girls awoke. The family embraced again, and the girls told their father all what happened. They then each took axes and slaughtered Beatrice in revenge.
There once was a husband and wife who lived happily together. After having two baby twin girls, the wife suddenly died in a tragic accident. For years, the man raised the two girls on his own. As time went on the man slowly fell in love with another woman named Beatrice. Although this made the two girls sad that their father was moving on, they knew he was happy which made them content with the situation. As time went on, Beatrice began to show her true character. She only married the man for money, and she treated the girls as if they were nothing. The evil however, was only scratching the surface of what the step-mother was capable of doing. The girls saw all of this, but Beatrice acted noble and affectionate when she was around the father. One evening, the father had to go away on a trip. The girls begged to go with him, but Beatrice insisted that she would take good care of them. Beatrice was waiting for this moment alone with the girls to get rid of them permanently. Beatrice turned out to be not only greedy, but also a witch with powers to turn any human into an animal. She looked at the girls and at once, casted a spell to change them into pigs. The man came home from his journey for work. Beatrice cried to the father, "The girls! They were eaten by wolves. I did everything I could to save them, but they died." The father's whole world was consumed by his daughters. They were his everything, and he felt as if he could not function any longer. Months passed, and the man lived in depression while Beatrice had affairs and stole money. He was finally able to eat again, and chose the fattest pigs to slaughter for dinner. However, when he had the axe swung back, he saw something in the pig's eyes— something warm and familiar. he felt a spirit of the girls and broke down. Tears poured from his eyes onto the pigs. At once, the pigs changed back into flesh, and the girls awoke. The family embraced again, and the girls told their father all what happened. They then each took axes and slaughtered Beatrice in revenge.
Pigs, Public Domain Pictures
Bibliography: H.J. Ford, Arabian Nights: The Hind (link)
Author's note: This is a retelling of the Arabian story, "The Hind." In the original story, the wife's disconnect comes from the sons being adopted and not having a biological tie to her. However, I thought it would be interesting if the witch held this resentment of the children because she was the step-mother— the less-liked parental figure compared to the father in this story.
Author's note: This is a retelling of the Arabian story, "The Hind." In the original story, the wife's disconnect comes from the sons being adopted and not having a biological tie to her. However, I thought it would be interesting if the witch held this resentment of the children because she was the step-mother— the less-liked parental figure compared to the father in this story.
Oh my lord. That last line just hits you!! I loved it! HAHA! Great story! I feel like I have heard this story in other settings, so it was a little familiar. Was there something specific about beatrice that made her so cruel, or is that just who she is? Also, how did the mother die? I know you said it was an accident, but I think a little more detail in this area would be really helpful to your writing. Great story, and I hope my comment helps!
ReplyDeleteHello Shary! I love what you did with this story. While I was reading, I felt as thought I was reading Cinderella. When I got to the author’s notes and found out the reading was based off something else, I was shocked! I wonder how the father must have felt in this situation. We are kind of told what the girls went through since it followed their story closely, but I wonder how the father felt when the girls ran up to him telling him these things about wife. I bet the man was distraught being stuck in between his daughters and his wife. Who should he believe? I think in the part where he came home, he would be asking for proof about his daughters wanting to be shown bloody clothes or something. It would be suspicious all of a sudden, the girls wind up dead after begging to go with him.
ReplyDeleteHey Shary! One thing I liked from your writing was how easy the story flowed. It was a relatable story; after all, everyone knows the evil stepmother. You definitely took that idea up a notch with the stepmother actually being a witch. However, I think the abrupt end actually worked out well because you're showing how quickly the family got rid of the stepmother once the father recognized his kids as pigs, even if it was a little vicious. Did you consider an ending where the children outsmart the witch stepmother? Reading this story reminded me a little of Hansel and Gretel, and maybe it would have been cool to write an ending similar to that one. In terms of the storytelling, I think you did a great job, but one suggestion I would make (very nitpicky) would be to look for grammar and punctuation errors. Getting rid of those would help avoid distracting readers so they can focus on the story. Good stuff!
ReplyDeleteHey Shary! I really liked how you were able to show the love a father can have for his children. In your story he was in a bad mood and hungry, yet when he looked into the eyes of the pigs and saw his children. I think that is a very powerful moment in your writing. I am not familiar with the source material so I wanted to ask what made you chose to turn the kids into pigs? And if that is the original story then what do you think motivated Beatrice to turn the children into pigs? I wonder what motivated her to want to get rid of the kids, but to not outright murder them. I think you should add some more exposition about the daughters and the dad. I think it would really strengthen your story if you could illustrate the love in that relationship more.
ReplyDeleteHi Shary, it's me Beatrice. I bet you didn't think you'd hear from me, but here I am! Now let me set this story straight. None of this was my fault! I just started dating an attractive man who just so happened to have endless stores of wealth. We were a year into dating when he decided to tell me that not only had he been married previously, but he had two little brats at home as a result of that first marriage. This made me disillusioned because the man I had begun to love wouldn't hide such a big thing from me! But at that point we were already engaged and there was no turning back. Besides, I didn't mind the extra money--it's hard for a witch to get a job in this economy. I made sure those little girls knew they weren't liked--they had plenty of time to run away!--and I didn't even end up killing them! I just turned them into to pigs, which if you ask me, was an act of mercy. And then they have the sheer audacity to turn back into humans and KILL me?! When I had shown them compassion and grace?! That was almost as outrageous as your portrayal of me in this story. Hmph, witches always get the short end of the stick.
ReplyDeleteHello Shary!
ReplyDeleteThis story was very interesting and captivating to a reader. I really like how you had the Father notice something familiar about the pigs instead of killing them and eating them, that would have been awful. This story for some reason reminded me of Cinderella so I was surprised to see in the Authors notes that it was not a rendition of that. I am very excited to read more of your stories in the future.
-Sam